LILA arrived in Houston, Texas, in 2000 on a fiancée visa, little
suspecting that the man she was marrying would be sexually abusive.
During her traumatising ordeal, her in-laws looked the other way for
all that they may have promised support for Lilas parents back
in India. Twenty-eight-year-old Maya, professionally qualified from
Texas, dreamed of being part of a non-profit organisation, of giving
back something to the community. But all hell broke loose when her mother-in-law
came to live with them. With her husband refusing to intervene, she
was mentally tortured to the point of exhaustion. That wasnt enough
for the mother-in-law who eventually caused a rift between the two that
finally resulted in the husband physically abusing Maya.
Lila and Maya (not their real names) - one professionally qualified,
the other dependent - are representative of women seeking to throw off
traditional shackles but falling victim to torture by husbands and in-laws.
Its not so strange why these incidents occur, says
Laxmi Parameswaran, founder of the South Asian Womens Organisation
in Houston. Look at the way boys are raised. Theyre brought
up to believe that youre a boy, you must have it,
or theyre drilled into believing theyre above women, that
they can behave any way they want with their spouses. The girls
parents have no say while the boys parents can behave however
they want. Once this kind of attitude takes root, no amount of college
education can eradicate violence against women.
Her organisation has, since its inception in 1996, attained a respectable
place in the South Asian community. It promotes community awareness
through collaboration with organisations such as the Rice Womens
Studies, and through seminars and presentations. Our referrals
come from the community, the Internet, law enforcement, mainstream agencies
and South Asian sister organisations throughout the USA, says
Parameswaran.
The profile of a typical caller is as follows: under 35 years; college
degree; student or professional status; married to a professional; no
children or very young children; permanent or transitional visa; a combination
of physical, psychological, and sexual abuse; simultaneous in-law abuse;
not much financial support in the USA.
According to another South Asian Womens group, Sakhi, domestic
violence exists in all communities. But while the degree of abuse may
be the same across communities, the forms differ. In the South Asian
community, for example, where the joint family system is often still
practiced, the abuser(s) are often the in-laws, including brothers-in-law
and sisters-in-law, not just the husband. Women who have approached
Sakhi for help have often had to get restraining orders against their
in-laws. In addition, dowry is a form of control particular to the South
Asian community.
Domestic violence has no cultural, racial or economical barriers. Abusers
can be of any age and come from all walks of life educational
and professional. The violence occurs because the abuser wants power
and control. It has been a misconception that abuse has to be only physical
in nature; any kind of abuse, whether by the husband or in-laws, such
as verbal criticism, humiliation and emotional torture, is a crime.
There are no statistics to indicate that South Asian women in arranged
marriages are more abused than their sisters who opt for love marriages.
Abusers exist in both systems. But it is worse for those women who come
to the USA with their husbands on dependent visas such as the H4.
Traditionally in Indian weddings, dependency is not a liability
when parents arrange a marriage in India. But reality strikes soon enough
in the USA when you have no economical, social or emotional independency,
says a victim. My in-laws constantly made me realise that they
did me a favour by bringing me to the USA, she says. They
cannot expect me to be modern since they feel they brought me from India.
Mind games and constant threats of deportation are usual.
For all the lip service to the contrary, society has never been fair
to women. While injustice towards them remains a nominal issue in India,
marriages abroad often have fatal consequences. If there are horrifying
cases of bride-burning and acid throwing in India, the bride from
India has some other surprises in store. Life in the USA
is not a piece of cake. It takes a lot to be independent. From legal
issues to driving to getting a job, its a very long process,
says a resident.
Senior police officer Kiran Bedi, currently on deputation to the USA,
attended the annual day of Saheli, a womens welfare organisation
in Boston. In her column in the Indian Express, North American Edition,
she said that without such organisations many women wouldnt have
known where to go when abused and beaten. Marrying an Indian overseas,
stated to be well established, remains a fascination for many an Indian
parent. This despite many sad stories publicised. But there are few
steps to be followed, said Bedi. Foremost among these was a prevention
and awareness package to the parents through TV channels (back home)
that all that glittered overseas may not be gold. It was vital that
parents verified details properly before sending their daughters to
marry strangers.
About 75 per cent of abuses and marital flux occur because of
the in-law factor, said Parameswaran. There is a great divide
between Indians living in America and those in India. Somehow these
NRIs retain a mindset of the 1960s, which is when they might have left
India, so they detest equality for the daughters-in-law from India.
According to Sahkis latest statistics, between January-June 2004,
it has received 276 requests for help. Oisika Chakraborti, communications
and community outreach coordinator, said that every year there was an
increase in the number of women who sought Sakhis help.
Laxmi Parameswarans organisation came into force in 1996 when
an unusual massacre took place in Houston, Texas. A 30-something Indian
woman set her home ablaze. Inside, apart from her, were her three children
and husband. An investigation revealed she was sick of her alcoholic
and abusive husband and just decided to end it all. Marriage is a gamble.
No one can completely vouch for character. But in marriages abroad,
the risks are higher. The idea is not to scare Indian parents away from
NRI unions but to incorporate greater awareness. There are a whole lot
of issues involved while getting their daughters married off overseas
-- isolation from family, friends, society, visa rules and legal issues.
Normally, NRI families are always in a hurry, which leaves little time
for the boy and the girl to interact . And so the trauma begins.