Dear Gary Dada,

I am 24 years old Canadian citizen in Toronto, born in India and just 10 years old when I came here. Actually I am in the same boat but it looks like not too critical. I read Surjit Kaur Athwal's story two or three times when I see Surjit Kaur Athwal's photo, cried, cried and cried. I am also thinking all the time- why people do this kind of actions. Do we think our culture is a great culture, when they are enforcing daughter-in-law to live like a slave under them.

I don't want to say this but it enforces me to say this- Bachan LOOKS LIKE A BUCHER. Thanks for you people to bring this issue. Now I am very scared and you people encourage me to write my story

Three years ago, I married in India with the pressure of my parents because of a great culture. I am Bsc. registered nurse and making more than seventy thousand. My husband is a engineer and never have stable jobs. Six months ago, my in-laws came here and are staying with us. Now I am going through miserable time. Problems are:

• My mother-in-law is dictating all our house hold shopping
• She started to control telephone and always talking with other women
• They always sitting in family room and watching Indian prog.
• Now her guests are coming all the time in our house

From six month, I am feeling this house is not belong to me and my husband looks like a stranger and friend. My husband used to be great person and his attention has been switched over for the past six months.

First, I had a lot a pressure on my job, now I have other unbearable pressure that this house is not my house. I started more over time in spite of going back to house. With my over time, they are very happy but my husband never understand my feelings. I tried and tried but it is all useless to change his culture. I also talked to my parents but all in vain.

Please don't publish my personal information but I need your help.

Dukhi NRI, Balbir. Kaur/Toronto, Canada (name changed)

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Our response:

Dear Balbirt,

First of all, I don't agreed that we should use the word "Bucher" for Bachan Athwal because from her dress she looks like a great sikh woman but UNFORTUNATELY, this might happened due to conflict of EAST and WEST culture. Only solution for this is : NEED TO EDUCATE THEM AND AWARENESS OF LAW AND ORDER OF THIS COUNTRY.

About your case: From our communication, we judged that you like to live as a good house wife with children. For me your case is also critical but may be following steps will be the solution:

1. Keep Patience
2. Write down your all problems. Request your husband to have a lunch together in good restaurant (not at home or with any relatives). Describe your feelings to him and let him feel that your feelings are hurting you so much that your life is becoming miserable every day. Make him realize that his parents must have their own place.
3. Wait for one week to see his reaction
4. If unsuccessful in number 2 & 3, set up a meeting with marriage counselor

BE NICE with whole the family. Now you have to judge the situation and attitude of your husband. You husband is the person who can solve the problem immediately.

If he insist you and enforce you that we must live together as joint family and this is our culture- it means this is the end.

You have the rights and more rights as most of the husbands do not understand.

• Consult your lawyer and say 1,2,3.
• NO TRUST ANY BODY, if you start your processing to leave or divorce him. Don't allow to happen again like Surjit Kaur Athwal case.

Believe me, on these issues our culture has failed in this country's environment or culture because we are force other people live together.

Good luck!

GD

MIL murdered daughter-in-law

NRI Mother,70 and her son found guilty of "honour killing"
Facing life sentences

BachanAthwal, 70

The grandmother and her son had conspired to kill the 27-year-old after she "disgraced" them by having an affair with another man after difficulties in her marriage to Sukhdave Athwal.

Surjit Kaur Athwal, 27, customs officer, a mother of two, was lured to India on the pretext of attending family weddings. Once there, she was allegedly strangled.

She, a vivacious, westernized woman was just 16 when she met Sukhdave Singh Athwal on their wedding day in 1988.

Husband Sukhdave Athwal, 43

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