You can transform the traditional adversaries into friends and well-wishers.
All you need is tact, straightforwardness and a pinch of healthy selfishness.
Ideally, your mother-in-law should be the person with whom you can
laugh about how your husband loves to sleep long hours. Dealing with
in-laws is tricky business most of the times, but if you learn to get
past fake family togetherness, formality and innuendo, you could actually
have your in-laws on your side. Here's how:
Say No To Stereotypes
Leave that script behind at your parent's house. In-laws demons, me
victim. You go in with presumed apprehension and they becomes defensive
from day one. True, the mother-in-law is a person who can churn a million
emotions in us (actually why, have you ever wondered?) yet, remember,
even mothers-in-law come in all types and characters. To pattern a relationship
on conditioning is to axe it from the beginning. First, make an effort
to observe and understand her and then learn to deal with it. Don't
let hostility be your coping tactic.
Your In-Laws Are Scared Too!
Even while a son's wedding is one of the happiest moments in any parents'
life, this is also the time when they realise, with a certain sense
of gloom, that their son is now someone else's. There is another woman
in his life, who is obviously going to be the centre of his attention.
Naturally, your in-laws have mixed emotions about you. You have usurped
their place in their son's life, in some way. For your in-laws, your
husband's marriage is also a milestone in their life in terms of their
aging. Psychologists state that the unspoken emotions around the marriage
of a child can make elder parents very vulnerable and hence on the defensive,
even without provocation. This is perhaps the reason why many mothers-in-law
don't allow their daughters-in-law inside the kitchen for a very long
time. Because they don't want to lose control. And the kitchen, we all
agree, is a control room in every house. Speak to your parents-in-law
about their fears, tell them that you are a part of their family and
not there to take their son away. Trust takes time but it won't come
automatically, you have to bridge the distance yourself.
Don't Attempt To Change Yourself
By trying to be perfect or someone that you aren't is a pressure on
your in-laws' family too. They aren't perfect themselves. Your mother-in-law
will, in all probability, appreciate that you are no superwoman. That
way, she can drop her guard too and be herself. The best way for people
closer to each other.
Why Compete?
A lot of in-law troubles stem from one-upmanship. Right from your husband,
the bone of contention, to the sofa covers, it sometimes results in
"this is mine and not yours". You may be made to feel like
a trespasser in the house initially, but give it some months and endear
yourself to the family before deciding to change the colours of the
curtains or redoing the drawing room. If you try and show that you're
the boss right from the day after the wedding, your mother-in-law will
surely resent it. Resist the temptation to treat your mom-in-law like
a rival.
You May Not Be Their Dream Girl
A lot of acrimony arises because your husband's parents had another
image in mind for their son's wife and you don't fit in at all. Often
the case these days. It is also quite possible that your in-laws find
you ambitious and less "homely" than they dreamt you to be.
Sit with them and tell them how important your career is and that they
hurt you if they preach you about the joys of homemaking and mediocrity
and the dangers of long hours. Share the details of your work with them
and make them a part of your life in every way instead of being secretive.
Laugh About It
Some ice-breakers:
- Go shopping with your in-laws and eat out with them every once in
a while.
- Bring home a funny movie and watch it together. Laughter is a great
binder.
- Share good old-fashioned gossip about eccentric relatives, the great
aunt who drinks tea only in a steel glass, the nephew who is accident
prone
- Look through old photo albums together.
- Don't gossip about your mom-in-law with your new neighbours. Word
inevitably gets around and then the resentments will begin.
As Dr Rebecca Liswood who founded the marriage counselling service
in New York puts it, "Sudden love rarely binds the two most important
women in a man's life. But you can slowly evolve into good friends and
well-wishers."
At least give it a chance.
(Indian Marriage Portal)