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My husband and I planned
on having children but I refuse to start a family with so many
intrusions from my mother-in-law. In fact, lately I have been
considering leaving my husband. What should I do?
Dear Dada ji,
I've been married for three and half years to a man whose mother
has always give hard time to me. I am a Canadian citizen, 26 years
old and went to India to marry him. I was 13 years old when I came
to this country with my parents. I know both cultures very well
and with the advice of my parents I married to him. He is a engineer
and I am a teacher and we had wonderful life first two years.
In January, 2006, his parents came with other son and daughter.
All we are living in three bed room house. I helped my husband's
sister and brother for school admission and paying their all expenses.
I had more than $45,000 saving before marriage that is all gone.
My husband did not get job as an engineer and always had odd jobs.
My mother-in-law is totally devoted to my husband to the exclusion
of just about everything and turns to him for advice on everything
from going parties, shopping and next week's program. Now she is
planning to reduce my all house expenses and accounting
our income. She has become increasingly involved in my husband's
life and mine, too, by association.
I, obviously, have handled the situation badly because our disagreements
over her role in his life have deepened. My husband and I planned
on having children but I refuse to start a family with so many intrusions
from my mother-in-law. In fact, lately I have been considering leaving
my husband. What should I do?
S. Kaur
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Dear Kaur:
Most of the men feel that they owe a great deal to their mothers,
who gave birth to them. So when their mothers ask for help, they
feel obliged to come to their rescue. Their wives are also important
to them, but they feel that the help they give their mothers should
be encouraged by their wives. Actually this is problem in Indian
culture.
- First of all, your parents were wrong for richness of Indian
culture. You are raised here and your husband is raised in India-
Big GAP
- Your mother-in-law becomes embroiled in a power struggle with
her daughters-in-law In this case your husband is trying to decide
between your interests or the interests of his mother. Which are
more important? Of course, he wants to please both of you. Now,
you have noticed that he has been ignoring your feelings to please
his mother. That choice, as you have noted, has motivated you
to consider leaving him. .
According to our 30 years experience, it is not easy to solve it
because it is too late. Indian parents always feel that they have
the right to run their son's life. This is all non-sense.
- They don't understand that when they had married their son,
same day their son belongs to his wife
- After marriage, if they interfere son's life marriage:
- They always responsible for son's divorce and his happiness-
some time sons go to depression
- They also responsible daghter-in-law's life and her parents
feelings
- Worst part is, if they have kids. Kids suffer lot because
of father's love and financial situation after divorce
Opinion:
- First of all, It is too late to educate to his patents.
- Now you have two choices: Leave him or both of you have to live
separate from his parents
- Before any decision, you sit with him and tell him clearly:
- His parents must find other place to live.
- if he wants a decent marriage he must learn to put your
interests before all others.
- whatever he does for his mother MUST be with your enthusiastic
agreement, or he should not do it.
- Every act of care he gives to his mother must be screened
by you first. For example- If he likes to talk his mother,
there must be time limit 10 or 15 minutes and respect your
feelings.
- He should tell you precisely what they discuss together
if that would make you feel more comfortable.
You must tell him that we must have some policy of Joint Agreement.
It does not mean that you will be abraded on the interests of your
mother.
Do it NOW! You and your husband must make an agreement with each
other to put each other's feeling first
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