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My husband and I planned on having children but I refuse to start a family with so many intrusions from my mother-in-law. In fact, lately I have been considering leaving my husband. What should I do?

 

Dear Dada ji,

I've been married for three and half years to a man whose mother has always give hard time to me. I am a Canadian citizen, 26 years old and went to India to marry him. I was 13 years old when I came to this country with my parents. I know both cultures very well and with the advice of my parents I married to him. He is a engineer and I am a teacher and we had wonderful life first two years.

In January, 2006, his parents came with other son and daughter. All we are living in three bed room house. I helped my husband's sister and brother for school admission and paying their all expenses. I had more than $45,000 saving before marriage that is all gone. My husband did not get job as an engineer and always had odd jobs.

My mother-in-law is totally devoted to my husband to the exclusion of just about everything and turns to him for advice on everything from going parties, shopping and next week's program. Now she is planning to reduce my all house expenses and accounting

our income. She has become increasingly involved in my husband's life and mine, too, by association.

I, obviously, have handled the situation badly because our disagreements over her role in his life have deepened. My husband and I planned on having children but I refuse to start a family with so many intrusions from my mother-in-law. In fact, lately I have been considering leaving my husband. What should I do?

S. Kaur

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Dear Kaur:

Most of the men feel that they owe a great deal to their mothers, who gave birth to them. So when their mothers ask for help, they feel obliged to come to their rescue. Their wives are also important to them, but they feel that the help they give their mothers should be encouraged by their wives. Actually this is problem in Indian culture.

  • First of all, your parents were wrong for richness of Indian culture. You are raised here and your husband is raised in India- Big GAP
  • Your mother-in-law becomes embroiled in a power struggle with her daughters-in-law In this case your husband is trying to decide between your interests or the interests of his mother. Which are more important? Of course, he wants to please both of you. Now, you have noticed that he has been ignoring your feelings to please his mother. That choice, as you have noted, has motivated you to consider leaving him. .

According to our 30 years experience, it is not easy to solve it because it is too late. Indian parents always feel that they have the right to run their son's life. This is all non-sense.

  • They don't understand that when they had married their son, same day their son belongs to his wife
  • After marriage, if they interfere son's life marriage:
    • They always responsible for son's divorce and his happiness- some time sons go to depression
    • They also responsible daghter-in-law's life and her parents feelings
    • Worst part is, if they have kids. Kids suffer lot because of father's love and financial situation after divorce

Opinion:

  • First of all, It is too late to educate to his patents.
  • Now you have two choices: Leave him or both of you have to live separate from his parents
  • Before any decision, you sit with him and tell him clearly:
    • His parents must find other place to live.
    • if he wants a decent marriage he must learn to put your interests before all others.
    • whatever he does for his mother MUST be with your enthusiastic agreement, or he should not do it.
    • Every act of care he gives to his mother must be screened by you first. For example- If he likes to talk his mother, there must be time limit 10 or 15 minutes and respect your feelings.
    • He should tell you precisely what they discuss together if that would make you feel more comfortable.

You must tell him that we must have some policy of Joint Agreement. It does not mean that you will be abraded on the interests of your mother.

Do it NOW! You and your husband must make an agreement with each other to put each other's feeling first