Ruchi Roy
The Statesman

 

LILA arrived in Houston, Texas, in 2000 on a fiancée visa, little suspecting that the man she was marrying would be sexually abusive. During her traumatising ordeal, her in-laws looked the other way for all that they may have promised support for Lila’s parents back in India. Twenty-eight-year-old Maya, professionally qualified from Texas, dreamed of being part of a non-profit organisation, of giving back something to the community. But all hell broke loose when her mother-in-law came to live with them. With her husband refusing to intervene, she was mentally tortured to the point of exhaustion. That wasn’t enough for the mother-in-law who eventually caused a rift between the two that finally resulted in the husband physically abusing Maya.
Lila and Maya (not their real names) - one professionally qualified, the other dependent - are representative of women seeking to throw off traditional shackles but falling victim to torture by husbands and in-laws. “It’s not so strange why these incidents occur,” says Laxmi Parameswaran, founder of the South Asian Women’s Organisation in Houston. “Look at the way boys are raised. They’re brought up to believe that ‘you’re a boy, you must have it’, or they’re drilled into believing they’re above women, that they can behave any way they want with their spouses. The girl’s parents have no say while the boy’s parents can behave however they want. Once this kind of attitude takes root, no amount of college education can eradicate violence against women.”
Her organisation has, since its inception in 1996, attained a respectable place in the South Asian community. It promotes community awareness through collaboration with organisations such as the Rice Women’s Studies, and through seminars and presentations. “Our referrals come from the community, the Internet, law enforcement, mainstream agencies and South Asian sister organisations throughout the USA,” says Parameswaran.
The profile of a typical caller is as follows: under 35 years; college degree; student or professional status; married to a professional; no children or very young children; permanent or transitional visa; a combination of physical, psychological, and sexual abuse; simultaneous in-law abuse; not much financial support in the USA.
According to another South Asian Women’s group, Sakhi, domestic violence exists in all communities. But while the degree of abuse may be the same across communities, the forms differ. In the South Asian community, for example, where the joint family system is often still practiced, the abuser(s) are often the in-laws, including brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law, not just the husband. Women who have approached Sakhi for help have often had to get restraining orders against their in-laws. In addition, dowry is a form of control particular to the South Asian community.
Domestic violence has no cultural, racial or economical barriers. Abusers can be of any age and come from all walks of life — educational and professional. The violence occurs because the abuser wants power and control. It has been a misconception that abuse has to be only physical in nature; any kind of abuse, whether by the husband or in-laws, such as verbal criticism, humiliation and emotional torture, is a crime.
There are no statistics to indicate that South Asian women in arranged marriages are more abused than their sisters who opt for love marriages. Abusers exist in both systems. But it is worse for those women who come to the USA with their husbands on dependent visas such as the H4.
“Traditionally in Indian weddings, dependency is not a liability when parents arrange a marriage in India. But reality strikes soon enough in the USA when you have no economical, social or emotional independency,” says a victim. “My in-laws constantly made me realise that they did me a favour by bringing me to the USA,” she says. “They cannot expect me to be modern since they feel they brought me from India. Mind games and constant threats of deportation are usual.”
For all the lip service to the contrary, society has never been fair to women. While injustice towards them remains a nominal issue in India, marriages abroad often have fatal consequences. If there are horrifying cases of bride-burning and acid throwing in India, “the bride from India” has some other surprises in store. “Life in the USA is not a piece of cake. It takes a lot to be independent. From legal issues to driving to getting a job, it’s a very long process,” says a resident.
Senior police officer Kiran Bedi, currently on deputation to the USA, attended the annual day of Saheli, a women’s welfare organisation in Boston. In her column in the Indian Express, North American Edition, she said that without such organisations many women wouldn’t have known where to go when abused and beaten. “Marrying an Indian overseas, stated to be well established, remains a fascination for many an Indian parent. This despite many sad stories publicised. But there are few steps to be followed,” said Bedi. Foremost among these was a prevention and awareness package to the parents through TV channels (back home) that all that glittered overseas may not be gold. It was vital that parents verified details properly before sending their daughters to marry strangers.
“About 75 per cent of abuses and marital flux occur because of the in-law factor,” said Parameswaran. There is a great divide between Indians living in America and those in India. Somehow these NRIs retain a mindset of the 1960s, which is when they might have left India, so they detest equality for the “daughters-in-law from India”. According to Sahki’s latest statistics, between January-June 2004, it has received 276 requests for help. Oisika Chakraborti, communications and community outreach coordinator, said that every year there was an increase in the number of women who sought Sakhi’s help.
Laxmi Parameswaran’s organisation came into force in 1996 when an unusual massacre took place in Houston, Texas. A 30-something Indian woman set her home ablaze. Inside, apart from her, were her three children and husband. An investigation revealed she was sick of her alcoholic and abusive husband and just decided to end it all. Marriage is a gamble. No one can completely vouch for character. But in marriages abroad, the risks are higher. The idea is not to scare Indian parents away from NRI unions but to incorporate greater awareness. There are a whole lot of issues involved while getting their daughters married off overseas -- isolation from family, friends, society, visa rules and legal issues. Normally, NRI families are always in a hurry, which leaves little time for the boy and the girl to interact . And so the trauma begins.